Farewell, Dear Isaac
22 After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, "Abraham!" And he said, "Here I am." 2 He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." 3 And Abraham stroked the length of his graying beard as he considered the grave commandment. 4 "No thanks," said he. 5 The Lord God tilted his great head in confusion. "What do you mean, 'No thanks'?" he asked, his voice thundering off the hillsides and trembling the well water at the refuge of Beersheba. 6 Abraham made sure to breathe steadily as he measured his words. And he spoke, saying, "I am signaling that I've heard and understood your request, and I am politely and respectfully declining to murder my child for you." 7 So Abraham went about his day, guiding his donkey back toward his home as The Lord God remained in a furious silence.
8 The next morning, Abraham rose early, saddled the donkey, and brought Isaac with him to gather water at the well of Beersheba. 9 Abraham had taken The Lord God's commandment as a sign that he should speak with Isaac about the treaty that resulted in the well being dug and their salvation in the hard land being vouchsafed. 10 Yet before they could reach the well, God spoke to Abraham again, warning him that he would cause a great damage to come to the land if the elder refused to kill his child upon the altar. 11 And Isaac did thus say, "Oh, hold up?" 12 And Abraham said, "Now why would you do that, my God? You who has gifted me Isaac and gifted us this water and gifted us this land? I mean, what possible reason could you have for wanting my son dead and for wanting to destroy the land if that doesn't happen?" 13 "Because this is a test of your loyalty which you have already failed," said God The Creator Of All Things In The Universe And Lord And Master Of Dominion Over Them. 14 "But, like, what a weird test, Lord," said Abraham. "And loyalty to whom?" 15 "To me, your God!" The Supreme Being said. To which Abraham in his wisdom responded, "It seems to me that I've proven loyalty to my son, who cannot defend himself and needs me to guide him to understand both this world and his place in it. And since you keep pressing the issue, I've gotta say it's a pretty shitty thing to ask a father to do to his child. It makes me question your strength as a God.”
16 The Lord God Almighty On High Leader Of Heavens attempted to interject, but good Abraham cut him off, saying, "And, holy hell...threatening me when I wouldn't kill my son for you? Forgive me if this is out of line, but that makes you seem incredibly weak, Lord. Like, super thin-skinned. One would hope your ego wouldn't be so easily penetrated." 17 And God The God Of All Gods let out a mighty eruption that shook the earth and brought down large stones off the hillside such that it blocked Abraham, Isaac, and the donkey's path. 18 "Oh, here we go again," said Abraham. "Is violence and destruction the only solution you've got in the grab bag, O Lord? If you ask me, you have rage issues to work out. Find a healthy outlet for it like pickle ball or Krav Maga and let go of whatever insecurities are plaguing you." 19 The air was still and silent, except for the donkey braying. 20 "Oh, come on. I know you're still there, so just talk to me. Don't shut this out. Lean into the pain. Let your walls tumble down, O Lord."
21 And Praiseworthy God boomed, “Insolence! My mind is on a quadrillion other things more important than one barefaced worm! I am keeping the heavens and earth aloft while you mumble about feelings!” 22 Then did Isaac speak up, saying, “Let’s start there. That seems like a ton of pressure, O Lord,” and Abraham did nod, patting his child on the shoulders in encouragement and praise. 23 “Will you just kill your son already?! Stop disobeying your Master and threatening your God!” Abraham’s Master and God proclaimed. The very atoms of existence trembled.
24 “Legitimate criticism should not feel threatening to the confident mind,” Abraham shouted back into the sky. “If it will help, I’ll say something first, and we can take turns.” 25 When the valley lay still, Abraham continued, saying into the wind, “I still regret how everything went down with Lot but remind myself daily that he’s an adult, and I can’t make his decisions for him. Your turn, son.”
26 “I feel like I can’t be a kid sometimes because our family drama is so consuming,” the Isaac said, and Abraham did listen – really did listen – to his son’s worry so that he might try to alleviate it over time. 27 As they waited for the Lord to speak, a ram burst from a nearby thicket, running off across the valley and out of their sight.
28 The Lord God of All Creation sighed deeply. “I’m lonely,” He did avow. “You’re right about the immense pressures of maintaining the complexities of this imperfect universe, and there is no one who really understands me, so I have no one to lay down my burdens upon, so sometimes I lash out in extreme ways. This behavior goes back a long way, and often it consumes me. I can't even remember why I asked you to kill Isaac in the first place."
29 Then Isaac lifted his outstretched hands toward his father as if to say, "What the fuck?" And Abraham calmed him before saying to his God, "I don’t get it, but I get it, if that makes sense.”
30 And Abraham and Isaac did sit to talk it out with God and to snack on dates and honeycomb. When they were done supping, and the Lord had gotten everything off his chest, he apologized and vowed not to seek petty violence ever again. 31 As Abraham and Isaac made their way down the pathway toward the well to share in the lesson of the treaty of its creation, God spake one final time to them both, saying "Thank you, wise Abraham and farewell, dear Isaac." As their Lord departed, thankful Isaac took his loyal father's hand and mouthed, "Oh. My. God." and Abraham did say, "Seriously. I know, right?" and they continued in peace to gather water from the well at Beersheba.
Scott Beggs still hasn't made it to Beersheba. His short stories have appeared in PseudoPod, MetaStellar, and SANS Press's Stranger anthology. He moves around a lot with his family, and he wants to be Buster Keaton's best friend. Follow him on twitter @scottmbeggs and visit http://www.scottbeggs.com for more.
